Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
