i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
