Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
