If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
