I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
