I wannas sexs uuuuu
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize