I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
