i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
