Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
