The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
