Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
and you fell through a lawn chair
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
