I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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