Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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