Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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