I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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