my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
