why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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