I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
On imdb the canadians say It's amazing
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
