How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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