she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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