She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
