clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
