If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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