I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
