Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
