dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
