Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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