I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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