I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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