This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize