Your mouth is God's brothel.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
two words...techno handjob
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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