The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize