She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
