I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
