im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
