Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
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