I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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