I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize