When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
