I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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