well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
never play flip cup with pint glasses
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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