i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
