Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize