We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
