In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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