Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Floor bacon is actually really good
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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