Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
