Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize