oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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