Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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