Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Sober January is a disaster.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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