so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
