i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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