he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
