I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
