I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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