Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
