There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
