I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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