Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
