Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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