someone get that fucking seahorse.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
