I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
we're so committed to being not committed
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
