I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
