i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
