she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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