Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
