and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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