If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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