3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
